When people speak about generosity, it’s almost always about giving something tangible, it’s not always thought of as something emotional or mental. When I think of generosity and what it means to me; I think of a person’s time, love, support and friendship.
I ask (and expect) very little from people in general because I find relationships very complex and draining. Anyone who really knows me will agree with me on this.
I am not great at relationships of any type and there are many reasons why I feel the way I do about relationships; but the main issue I have is understanding.
I feel I am misunderstood and that is no fault of those I interact with, it’s down to the way I portray myself to the individual I find myself in the presence of.
What stands true throughout every relationship I’ve ever had or have, is the desire for someone to give me their time and attention without me feeling like I had to pay for it in one way or another.
I willingly give to others what I have or am able to give without expecting anything in return because the act of giving is about identifying a need in someone and being able to satisfy that need. I very rarely think of what can I get back unless I am carrying out a transaction or barter of any sort.
I have been raised to believe that being generous will, in some way or another, come back to me when I myself am in need.
I’ve stood by these principles and beliefs for so long that I have failed to notice that some people take advantage of my giving nature and it’s taken the last 3 years of failed friendships, business relationships and my relationship with myself to see that I cannot continue on this path.
It’s brought me heartache, financial woes and a deep mistrust for people I’ve known and those I’m still getting to know.
Now don’t assume that I’m talking about EVERY person in my life because that isn’t the case.
When I write, I try to keep it general so as not to make any person I’ve known or know feel as if I’m singling them out. This is not the case. When I’m writing I’m inspired by my thoughts of current situations as well as those from my past. More often than not, I find that I’m able to connect the dots between my past and present when thinking about certain behaviours and the eventual outcomes.
I’ve been thinking about friendships that I’ve being a part of and I find myself feeling very hurt and disappointed with the conduct of the other individual and I’ve been examining the cause of my frustrations and unhappiness and in so doing, generosity has come up over and over again, hence me writing about it.
Upon reflection as one does at 2 am, I have come to the conclusion that these relationships are not serving to improve or enhance my life in any way and they are having a negative impact on me.
I am now more aware and truly grateful for those relationships where the other party has given me their time, their love, words of wisdom, support and most of all, their patience.
The person I am now is a person who requires the people in my life to be patient and forgiving because I know I’ll disappoint them at some point and the reasons for this may not always be acceptable or totally understood by them.
So much has happened to me over my lifetime and it has taken its toll physically and mentally. I’ve developed fears that most people would find irrational and the world outside my front door is frightening 95% of the time because it’s unpredictable and at times treacherous.
All the changes that have taken place in the last 5 yrs have left me emotionally and physically debilitated and anyone (in my life) who can see, understand and accept this about me is a person I want in my life.
The people I call friends are those who have taken the time and put in the effort, to be a part of my life. These individuals are the ones who will love me despite all my flaws and failings, they will be the ones who are patient and understanding, they won’t give up on me because they know that I am that friend who loves and supports them no matter what and that is who I am.
I am very aware of my flaws and shortcomings and I know it’s difficult to be a part of my life but anyone who takes the best of me with the worst of me is someone I will stand by and love for life. I am that friend… A friend for life!